blessed

it's funny how i've known you for so long without really knowing you. i wouldn't have glimpsed the fun we had today if you had not chosen me. i used to fear you in my awe of you. now you laugh when i laugh and so on. i do hope you see past my blunders. thank you for showing me patience. i prefer your company to a lot of people right now. i'd like to borrow some of that charm you keep. ^_~

Lestat

It's an awful truth that suffering can deepen us, give a greater luster to our colors, a richer resonance to our words. That is, if it doesn't destroy us, if it doesn't burn away the optimism and the spirit, the capacity for visions, and the respect for simple yet indispensable things.

(Queen of the Damned by Anne Rice)

things to do before i graduate

1. lead a Bible study
2. reenroll in wall climbing
3. take dance lessons
4. ice skate
5. sketch piglet for bebegrrr
6. color in junei's fairy
7. buy at least one musical instrument
8. earn bucks for my li'l bro's tickets so he can attend my graduation
9. serve God in a different position
10. excel in skills related to my course
11. get a boyfriend. kidding! this one will come in time. i have to fall completely in love with the Lord Jesus Christ first. ^_~
    

overload

i shall be juggling these for the rest of the sem...

cs
199 - thesis project and presentation
131 - 3 MP's and 2 or more exams
176 - 60-second animation, 2 MP's, exam(s)
145 - MP, exam(s), and optional requirement that will compensate for the last failure of an MP
196 - overdue vodcast

ms
101 - exam, poster and presentation
102 - report and exam

on "i kissed dating goodbye"

Deepening intimacy without defining a level of commitment is dangerous. It's like going mountain climbing with a partner who isn't sure he wants the responsibility of holding your rope. When you've climbed two thousand feet up a mountain face, you don't want to have a conversation about how she feels "tied down" by your relationship.

~Joshua Harris

i read the first couple of chapters. it's tearing me apart. anyone who had set foot on this blog would know i had been a victim of someone's mistakes. but little do they know that in my selfishness and weakness, i also took whatever intimacy was offered while refusing to make a commitment. the worst part is i failed to glorify God in my actions and motives. the last time, when i sought His will, He didn't say no. He said wait. but i was impatient and look where it got me. it turned me into a whimpering coward. if i weren't so skilled at looking pretty when i'm down in the dumps, i would have been more pathetic.

the first chapter presented a picture of a man offering his bride whatever is left of his heart. i just can't help but look back at a story my best friend shared back in high school. it was about the most beautiful heart. a younger guy with a perfect heart and a supposedly wizened old man whose heart was tattered. guess what? the old man claimed to possess the most beautiful heart because pieces were torn out when shared with others, creating holes, while those who gave of their hearts made his own look even less appealing. those bits he received were either stuffed into the holes or clumped over his heart. the two stories seem to contradict each other because the latter seems to be encouraging mistakes...

i'm guilty of so much more. but you don't expect me to spill my guts here, do you? you'd have to split me open to do that. and i thought we were friends... =p seriously, i realized that it's not just about my needs and the commitments that prevent me from making another one. it's also about loving someone the way God loves us. if it were possible to love the one God wills for me maybe before i even meet him, my way of doing so is by patiently waiting for him and treating guys who come into my life with respect as he will be one of them. ^_^

The joy of intimacy is the reward of commitment ~Joshua Harris

just in case you guessed, i read Boy Meets Girl prior to this one. that's how impatient i was. =p

snake charmer

more like charming snake.

never again will i dance to the tune of your flute
for your amusement or profit
no matter how you beckon me
clothed in apathy, i see too clearly

bury me

i am slowly falling apart. so much more than possibly not being able to submit the mp i worked for in two weeks, i am tired and scared. i am frightened by what the future holds. had i been who i was, i'd be thinking up ways to end this life. thakfully, sleep's more appealing right now.

over a cup of coffee

you get to think life over and consider going through the near future alone without being afraid. forget the burnout, you're with two people who know what it's like. they made it, you can, too. you relax your guard around them but with your weapons at hand just in case. a good sparring keeps your mind sharp after all. excellence is the worst form of loneliness. it's a good thing you only experience that in your hometown with people who had forgotten what it's like to dream. you remind yourself that you belong here, in this university, for another year. maybe it's not so bad to rediscover that without them constantly prodding you to go on.

blog needs perking... too sad.

a walk to remember

or not. one that lasted for the length of the shopping center at a snail's pace with you. i was fine before your reentry into my life this week. you managed to distract me for seven days now. i don't know how you do it without even trying. you had been nothing but nice in your inquiry. but warm tears pour each time i am alone with my thoughts. why do my steps seem to lead to you when so many months passed without glimpsing even your shadow? i ceased to think of you as a real person then. i would have been successful at dismissing you as a memory. why did you prevail? i hate how you always slip past my defenses. you came too close only to disappear again.

Well you have no right to ask me how I feel
You have no right to speak to me so kind
Some day I might find myself looking in your eyes
But for now, we’ll go on living separate lives

~Phil Collins

inadequate

we've been through so much
and i know you like the back of my hand
but last night i needed you
and you weren't with me
a beautiful stranger took your place
it just wasn't the same

borrowed stranger

i barely know you
and yet i found myself staring
at your beauty
we spent the night together
wasting precious time
in making your acquaintance
and all the time wishing
for something else
because i know you belong to another
who holds the keys to your soul


this post is dedicated to luther's laptop.

mp break

i am significantly calmer at this hour despite the nearing deadline of this program. i have not yet really begun working according to the specs. i am creating the graphical user interface or gui of a rather simple chat room for now. i have been trying to avoid java since cs 12 (object-oriented programming). now i'm left with no choice but to learn. i'm waiting for the extraction of the java documentation to finish. it's taking a while, that's why i'm still here blogging. all the IQ tests in the world can't seem to assure me of my success in this project with their flattering results.

the difference between knowledge and wisdom seems to be making itself clearer to me. or maybe i'm just associating wisdom with humility and gentleness. or i've been reading Proverbs too frequently. you be the judge.

by the way, someone asked me to start praying about a certain leadership position...

i can't believe it's almost 3am. i really hope to finish the gui part before i sleep. i have the God of the impossible on my side. He brought me this far, didn't He? i am delayed by two semesters but i'm almost through with my major subjects if i don't fail or drop any during this term. i'm going back to work now.

a romantic, but not without hope

i was reading a pocket book and surprise, surprise! the hero and heroine prayed together. i just had to stop and blog. a visiting couple from australia that spoke at a fellowship meeting said that they prayed together even when they had fights. it was truly a blessing to hear. he and i shared our thoughts of wanting that for ourselves someday. he then added the importance of marrying a fellow Christian. then we talked about the challenge of sharing our faith with our families and prayed. and so i wait for someone who would hold my hand in prayer... i just wish it were easier. my post ends here.

once, always

i might as well warn you not to read this entry if you had not yet finished the chronicles of narnia.

jacq posted "be thou my vision" on her blog. i also wanted to, but i'll direct you there instead. click here. it reminds me of my mentor and of narnia. the part about the High King brings peter to mind. they were given authority to rule over narnia just as we were given the authority to rule the earth. anyway, when lucy realized that narnia was much bigger than the closet, mrs. badger told her, "it's the world, dear." :)

"once a king or queen of narnia, always a king or queen of narnia." it contradicts with susan's plight in the end. my understanding of salvation tells me that she was supposed to be saved if not for her earlier faith, then for the faithfulness of aslan that they would always have a place there, assuming of course that he's anything like our God.

what happens to the people who have never heard of the Lord Jesus Christ? a knight in the chronicles of narnia was told that he was serving aslan even when he was serving someone else. in that case, was it just a matter of names? i refuse to believe that all religions worship the same god. the mortals are forgetting their roles in trying to switch with the Creator's.

daughter of eve

i spent the day with someone i took for granted for so long. in my selfishness, i failed to be the friend that he needed. i reasoned time and again that i was going through something so i couldn't spare time soothing someone else. nevermind that i was battling my tendencies to lose hope. maybe if i listened to another person's troubles, i wouldn't have been too preoccupied with my own. i had been a terrible friend. and worse, i had been an unfaithful child of God. i had forgotten that this life i live had long ago been offered up to Him. or that He has equipped me with everything i need to face my battles. i failed to trust His promise that He would never leave me nor forsake me. i had been so ungrateful for the sacrifice He made that i pondered taking my life. then i remembered that it is no longer i who live...

i started crying at the beginning of the movie, "the lion, the witch, and the wardrobe". i was thinking about susan and the consequences of not continuing in our faith. i'm going too far ahead in the chronicles of narnia for those who had not read the books... and i observed that the enemy's lies seem sweet, but the mask falls off when we are at their mercy, not that they show any. our betrayal inflicts great pain. and yet He welcomes us with open arms and remembers our sin no more. unworthy as we are, He died that we may live.

but i can't help but ask... why did Father Christmas not give them a ride? i guess we're back to the part where they were equipped with weapons and told, "these are tools, not toys. handle them well and wisely." or something like that. the thing is to be grateful instead of demanding more.

133

true colors

pie in the sky