i'm home!

mission updates to follow...

more and more

..she knows how to demand, smearing sugar over her megalomaniac commands...

that's from junei's testimonial about me.

i met my match tonight.

i was cutting paperdolls for the tlw seminar when she arrived. she was nice when she asked me to make some for her. but she turned into a monster after i made the first batch. she wanted more and and more and it seemed like she would never be satisfied. the paperdolls even went through her quality check. she returned those that didn't pass her standards for revision. when i finally declined to make more, she asked me to make one last batch and i gave in.

junei says i'm like that. i use my "big beautiful eyes."

i finally understand why some people want to strangle me sometimes. i don't even do it on purpose. it takes no effort at all.

but i have mellowed down somewhat. i am not a slave to my nature because i have Christ. and i am changing to be more and more like Him and less and less like the four-year old brat.

i can say that the encounter taught me to really appreciate those who reached the pinnacle of their patience because of me. ^_^

all apologies.

tick tock!

time is ticking.

make it stand still,

make it stop!

two days early

i shall never forget that visit to the dentist in my beach outfit.

i'm glad i met you that summer afternoon.

if not for that, i wouldn't have been in dcbc.

i remember staying up with you on one stormy night at the sundeck of a ferry.

we talked all night over tea then coffee while waiting for a sunrise we never had a chance to see because the sky was too cloudy.

i went through life as if following in your footsteps.

you helped me understand myself.

to my mentor,

happy birthday!

as you already know, i'll be away from cyberspace for a week or so.

questions that they want to ask me...

• What are your plans after graduation?

magdisappear. joke. ok, half-meant... mag-aral ng culinary arts someday. beyond that, who knows?

• Why are you so strong? Why do you seem so mature?
  

the Lord is my strength. mature? the operational word is seem.

• Violet ba fave mong kulay?
  

di po. blue. color-coordinating freak lang ako. hehe.

• Ba't ang tahimik mo lagi?
  

i'm usually content with silence and just observing people. i need to be asked for me to open up.

• What if God called you to full-time work in the ministry?
  

trust and obey. di pa naman eh.

• Sinong gusto mong makasama habambuhay?

sikretong malupit. yung nasa panaginip ko.

• If you were to draw something for me, what would it be?
  

hindi si cloud strife kasi masakit. si aslan na lang. alam ko na yata yung isang tanong na sinagot ko na...

we held our sem ender for mcm tonight. it was surreal. i found myself trying to capture every detail. the questions were only part of our team-building activity. this is my last semester to have an ate and a kuya in the fellowship. and i will look back with smiles and tears.

kuya arvin was the reason i joined kalcf (and dcf). he has been an encouragement since my freshman years. the verses and pats on the back from him have always been helpful. he's one of those people who actually believed in me even when i didn't. i'll feel like an orphan without him.

junei and hannah were my first real friends in molave. we were practically roommates. we were inseparable for a time. we experienced things in the extreme. laughter, walkouts, tears. our porcupine moments abound.

i wrote this in my journal when junei left the core at the start of the sem...

if there are two things that the molave christian movement had taught me, these are: what it feels like to get left behind and God's faithfulness. sometimes they forget you when you're supposed to go to a camp, a party, or some other event together. at other times, they either graduate or God calls them to another ministry and you somehow feel abandoned. but then you remember the One who'll never leave you nor forsake you. and you find comfort in Psalm 55:22, which reads:

Cast your burden upon the Lord and He will sustain you;
He will never allow the righteous to be shaken.

i am about to experience the reality of the loneliness of leadership.

i'm okay now.

t'was but temporary insanity.

evaporate

i want to walk away
from everything and everyone
but i'm not quite done here
and i don't have anyone or anywhere to run to
i'd wish i were like you
were it courage and not cowardice
to be another escapist

differences

In computability theory, the Church-Turing thesis implies that all reasonable models of computation are equivalent, that is, they all decide the same class of languages. In complexity theory, the choice of model affects the time complexity of languages. Languages that are decidable in, say, linear time aren't necessarily decidable in linear time on another.

~ Sipser

time complexity

f(n) <= c g(n)

Intuitively, f(n) = O(g(n)) means that f is less than or equal to g if we disregard difference up to a constant factor. You may think of O as representing a suppressed constant...

~ Sipser

If we let c be 3 and n be 1, f(n) = O(n).

If we let c be 1 and n be 85, disregarding the coefficient still gives a function in linear time.

It's a matter of definition.

things to do

1. study for 133 exam on thursday
2. remind mcm core of division of work
3. collect payment for the shirts
   
4. buy boxes, m&amp;m's, medicine, ...
5. leave aj with my sister by friday
   
6. pack
7. breathe
   

*** besides the everyday stuff

peace

at last.

Romans 12:15

Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep.

i had a surprise visit from one of my roommies in the past yesterday. i woke up when she paged, but i hesitated in responding. i had to check my phone, which had been moody and silent since i dropped it days ago, before i figured out who it was. i texted her and took a record-breaking shower and all. then we had lunch at the shopping center. and i heard the details of her father's death and of her coming home to her grieving family. she shared her memories and her regrets. i couldn't find the words because i never experienced losing someone close to me in that way. all i did was listen. and when i couldn't hold the tears back much longer, i let them flow. her father was so proud of her graduating from up and becoming a mechanical engineer. the first one is also my dad's dream and i am scared of disappointing him once again if i get delayed by yet another sem. my department is still not offering one of the subjects i still need to take next semester. when will i ever get to share the gospel with him without my academic failures getting in the way?

i realized that my grief is so shallow as compared to those with loved ones who departed. i'm thankful with how the Lord has opened my eyes to see beyond myself. and even enabled me to minister to others. and reminded me of the urgency and importance of sharing His Word.

by the way, her father's last words were "Lord, forgive me."

Psalm 23

The LORD is my shepherd,
I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside quiet waters.
He restores my soul;
He guides me in the paths of righteousness
For His name's sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I fear no evil, for You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You have anointed my head with oil;
My cup overflows.
Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life,
And I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.

let that be enough

Switchfoot

I wish I had what I needed

To be on my own
'Cause I feel so defeated
And I'm feeling alone

And it all seems so helpless
And I have no plans
I'm a plane in the sunset
With nowhere to land

And all I see
It could never make me happy
And all my sand castles
Spend their time collapsing

Let me know that You hear me
Let me know Your touch
Let me know that You love me
Let that be enough

...

And I feel stuck
Watching history repeating
Yeah, who am I?
Just a kid who knows [she]'s needy

Let me know that You hear me
Let me know Your touch
Let me know that You love me
And let that be enough

Hebrews 12:11

All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness.

landslide

Dixie Chicks

I took my love and I took it down
I climbed a mountain and I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow-covered hills
Well, the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love
Can the child within my heart rise above
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life

Well, I've been afraid of changing
'Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes bolder
Children get older
And I'm getting older too
Well

Well, I've been afraid of changing
'Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes bolder
Children get older
And I'm getting older too

Well, I'm getting older too

So take this love and take it down
Yeah, and if you climb a mountain and you turn around
And if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills
Well, the landslide brought it down

And if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills
Well maybe...
Well maybe...
Well maybe...
The landslide'll bring you down

pee bday, kuya ry!

frog prince

you can't find out if a frog is actually a prince by dissecting it...

finding the words

Do not believe that he who seeks to comfort you lives untroubled among the simple and quiet words that sometimes do you good. His life has much difficulty and sadness... Were it otherwise, he would never have been able to find those words.

~ Rainer Maria Rilke

sometimes we go through trouble that we may one day minister to someone who is going through similar circumstances. at other times, we are the ones on the receiving end. i'm thankful for the people with the right words, the hugs, the fierce loyalty and protectiveness, the cup of milk, and the time for ice cream. i never knew i could use up two handipacks of tissue with ten extra sheets each in just a couple of days. i hope i'll never have to again. i am amazed with how the Lord works in each one's life and with how He has changed mine. brokenness is painful. but i did ask for it even though i knew it would be because i also knew He would sustain me through it all. i learned more than i ever expected to. one day i'll be the one doing the teaching. and i'll realize it was worth every drop of tear...

Psalm 42:5-6

Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God...

last words

Your Famous Last Words Will Be:

"Goodbye. I am leaving because I am bored."

What Will Your Famous Last Words Be?

melancholy

the sadness and the madness.

melancholy

the sadness and the madness.

tired

tired of thinking
tired of weeping
tired of sleeping
tired of eating
tired of living

but this will pass. soon. i hope.

personality

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion: You have low extroversion. You are quiet and reserved in most social situations. A low key, laid back lifestyle is important to you. You tend to bond slowly, over time, with one or two people. Conscientiousness: You have high conscientiousness. Intelligent and reliable, you tend to succeed in life. Most things in your life are organized and planned well. But you borderline on being a total perfectionist. Agreeableness: You have medium agreeableness. You're generally a friendly and trusting person. But you also have a healthy dose of cynicism. You get along well with others, as long as they play fair. Neuroticism: You have high neuroticism. It's easy for you to feel shaken, worried, or depressed. You often worry, and your worries prevent you from living life fully. You tend to be emotionally reactive and moody. Your either flying very high or feeling very low. Openness to experience: Your openness to new experiences is high. In life, you tend to be an early adopter of all new things and ideas. You'll try almost anything interesting, and you're constantly pushing your own limits. A great connoisseir of art and beauty, you can find the positive side of almost anything.

The Five Factor Personality Test

vulnerability

Submission is not only a love word, it is also a relationship word. Our strengths do not help others unless others are willing to let us help them. Submission is in the "letting."

Without trust, we cannot practice submission. We can practice compliance or some caricature of submission, but not submission. A lack of submission is evidence of a lack of humility...

Vulnerability is the link between humility and submission. Vulnerability results from intentionally placing yourself under someone's influence. Vulnerability is your choice to let others know you, to have access to your life, to teach and to influence you--to not just see the cracks but to fill them. Vulnerability means you give someone the right to know the pain of your weaknesses and to care for the need of your weaknesses.

In relationships, vulnerability does not equate to transparency. Transparency has some value, but it is limited to disclosing yourself (perhaps selectively) to others, or perhaps, simply being others around enough so that you are aware of your strengths and foibles. Submission requires you to move beyond transparency to vulnerability. Vulnerability means giving someone the opportunity to do something about those strengths and foibles...

Vulnerability also triggers a two-way relational effect. First, people gain access to your life, as you submit to their influence. Second, you are given access to their lives as they trust you and see your life open to them. You know what this kind of relationship is called? Authentic.

To move beyond transparency to vulnerability, you must know how to give and receive permission.

Trust does not lead to vulnerability as much as vulnerability leads to trust.

[from Building a High-Trust Culture]

quoting josh again

Deepening intimacy without defining a level of commitment is dangerous. It's like going mountain climbing with a partner who isn't sure she wants the responsibility of holding your rope...

What we fail to see is that the intimacy we experience in our string of emotional hook-ups is counterfeit. Romantic passion is sweetest when it's growing out of a relationship that's deepening in devotion.

The joy of intimacy is the reward of commitment...

Proverbs 3:3 states, "Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart." God wants love and faithfulness to be connected. In His plan, the personal benefits of an intimate relationship--emotional or sexual--are always closely linked to self-sacrificial love and commitment to a person's long-term good.

The way of sin is to divorce the two... This is how sin works. It calls us to "enjoy ourselves with love" without worrying about the good of others. It offers intimacy without obligation.

Pursuing intimacy without commitment awakens desires--emotional and physical--that neither person can justly meet. In 1 Thessalonians 4:6(KJV) the Bible calls this "defrauding," ripping someone off by raising expectations but not delivering on the promise...

This is the reason I stopped dating. Not because I don't want to get married. Not because I don't enjoy romance. But because I realized that I need to wait on romance until I can match my pursuit of intimacy with a pursuit of commtiment.

It doesn't mean I have no relationships with the opposite sex or no intimacy, but rather appropriate relationships and approriate intimacy...

But how close can we get before the relationship has to be redefined? How far can we go as friends before our hearts kick into gear?

...The issue is whether the intimacy in your relationship is appropriate to your current level of commitment.

[from I Kissed Dating GOODBYE by Joshua Harris]

quoting josh

What did it mean to genuinely care about the girls I knew?

...I've come to understand that God's lordship in my life doesn't merely tinker with my approach to romance--it completely transforms it. God not only wants me to act differently; He wants me to think differently--to view love, purity, and singleness from His perspective, to have a new lifestyle and a new attitude...

Every relationship for a Christian is an opportunity to love another person like God has loved us. To lay down our desires and to do what's in his or her best interest. To care for him or her even when there's nothing in it for us. To want that person's purity and holiness because it pleases God and protects him or her...

I've come to realize that while friendships with the opposite sex are great, I have no business asking for a girl's heart and exclusive affections if I'm not ready to consider marriage. Until I can do that, I'd only be using the girl to meet my short-term needs, not seeking to bless her for the long term...

As I've sought God's will for my life, I've discovered that a relationship wouldn't be best for me or the one I'd date right now. Instead, by avoiding romantic, one-on-one relationships before God tells me I'm ready, I can better serve girls as a friend, and I can remain free to keep my focus on the Lord...

True love isn't just expressed in passionately whispered words or an intimate kiss or an embrace; before two people are married, love is expressed in self-control, patience, even words unsaid...

When I stopped seeing girls as potential girlfriends and started treating them as sisters in Christ, I discovered the richness of true friendship...

I believe the time has come for Christians, male and female, to own up to the mess we've left behind in our selfish pursuit of short-term romance. What excuse will we have when God asks us to account our actions and attitudes in relationships? If God sees a sparrow fall (Matthew 10:29), do you think He could overlook the broken hearts and hurt we caused in relationships based on selfishness?

[from I Kissed Dating Goodbye by Joshua Harris]

unintended

The greatest harm can result from the best intentions.

~ Nathan Rahl

problems

Why should you study unsolvability? After all, showing that a problem is unsolvable doesn't appear to be of any use if you have to solve it. You need to study the phenomenon for two reasons. First, knowing when a problem is algorithmically unsolvable is useful because then you realize that the problem must be simplified or altered. before you can find an algorithmic solution... The second reason is cultural. Even if you deal with problems that clearly are solvable, the glimpse of the unsolvable can stimulate your imagination and help you gain an important perspective...

~ Sipser


Think of the solution, not the problem.

~ Richard Rahl


look to Jesus!

brats

Words are like children -- the more care you lavish on them, the more they demand.

[from the movie Luther]

shallow

the trees that did not withstand the storm were the same ones with roots that were shallow.

we are like trees. unless we are deeply rooted in His Word, we will not survive the storms of our lives.

paradox

i'm unique. just like everyone else.

the land of tears

a place i hate visiting. but i probably belong there.