A Long December

A long December and there’s reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can’t remember the last thing you said as you were leavin’
Now the days go by so fast

And it’s one more day up in the canyons
And it’s one more night in Hollywood
If you think that I could be forgiven... I wish you would

The smell of hospitals in winter
And the feeling that it’s all a lot of oysters, but no pearls
All at once you look across a crowded room
To see the way that light attaches to a girl

And it’s one more day up in the canyons
And it’s one more night in Hollywood
If you think you might come to California... I think you should

Drove up to the Hillside Manor sometime after two a.m.
And talked a little while about the year
I guess the winter makes you laugh a little slower,
Makes you talk a little lower about the things you could not show her

And it’s been a long December and there’s no reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better that the last
I can’t remember all the times I tried to tell myself
To hold on to these moments as they pass

And it’s one more day up in the canyon
And it’s one more night in Hollywood
It’s been so long since I’ve seen the ocean... I guess I should

[Counting Crows]

insomniac

with or without the caffeine
i'll get to watch the sunrise again.

pain

Pain, it comes in all forms. The small twinge, a bit of soreness, the random pain that we live with everyday. Then there is the kind of pain you just can't ignore, a level of pain so great that it blocks out everything else, makes the rest of your world fade away until all we can think about is how much we hurt, how we manage our pain is up to us. Pain we anthetisize, ride it out, embrace it, ignore it, and for some of us the best way to manage pain is to just push through it.

Pain, you just have to ride it out, hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers. You just breathe deep and wait for it to subside. Most of the time pain can be managed, but sometimes the pain gets you when you least expect it, hits way below the belt and doesn't let up. Pain you just have to fight through, because the truth is you can't outrun it, and life always makes more.

~ Meredith Grey

insolent song

What the world needs now is love, sweet love
It's the only thing that there's just too little of
What the world needs now is love, sweet love,
No not just for some but for everyone.

Lord, we don't need another mountain,
There are mountains and hillsides enough to climb
There are oceans and rivers enough to cross,
Enough to last till the end of time.

What the world needs now is love, sweet love
It's the only thing that there's just too little of
What the world needs now is love, sweet love,
No, not just for some but for everyone.

Lord, we don't need another meadow
There are cornfields and wheat fields enough to grow
There are sunbeams and moonbeams enough to shine
Oh listen, Lord, if you want to know.

What the world needs now is love, sweet love
It's the only thing that there's just too little of
What the world needs now is love, sweet love,
No, not just for some but for everyone.
No, not just for some, oh, but for everyone.

don't you agree? it's ignorant and irreverent. it knows nothing of the most profound expression of love, the laying down of One's life even for people who neither know nor care. it's such a sad state the world is in. it's christmas time and yet they overlook Christ.

how about us? do we take the time to praise Him? or are we ungrateful hypocrites?

*nods*

But the reality of it is that the true work of improving things is in the little achievements of the day.

~ Celine, Before Sunset

feeling busy

nagpapaka-ate. debugger. teacher. rainmaker-er.

detour

i'll redirect you to my new blog. click here.

breaking the silence

The dark is generous, and it is patient and it always wins; but in the heart of its strength lies weakness: one lone candle is enough to hold it back. Love is more than a candle. Love can ignite the stars.

~ Revenge of the Sith by Matthew Stover

like i said, i love you anyway and i miss you a lot. i hope i could find that book for you. :)

yoda lines

The fear of loss is a path to the dark side... Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose.

how? by having faith in the One who is sovereign over our lives.

Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.

(1 Peter 5:7)

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

(Philippians 4:6-7)

it's only when we learn to surrender everything to the Lord that we are freed from the shackles of our fears. sometimes we are so consumed by our emotions that we ovelook His infinitude. we forget that He knows no bounds, that whatever God is and all that God is, He is without limit. nothing is beyond Him.

we learn as we go.

i don't feel so stupid and alone anymore.

counting my blessings

1. a heart that can worship in spite of the seemingly overwhelming weariness
2. feet that don't give way to fainting yet
3. fellowship with the mcmovers and those who joined us
4. a faithful friend who helped me get through the day
5. cyberspace and the freedom of expression that comes with it
6. insights from the life of a dreamer
7. a bed that's always welcoming
8. a phone that stubbornly alerts me of the time, of things to do, and of people to meet
9. peace that surpasses all understanding
10. love that's overflowing
    

misery loves company.

thank you for the little things
that you do for me
it's nice to have someone
who listens to my rants over a drink,
takes a walk with me in the afternoon sunshine,
makes copies of the books for me,
walks me home,
and waits for me to finish.
i realized it wasn't a one-way thing
because you needed a friend,
just like me.

stabilize me

when the world around me makes me dizzy
they say it helps to focus on one thing
that's enough to keep me on my feet

heuristic

something that's helpful but not guaranteed to work.

i (don't) know

i don't know how tomorrow's gonna go. i don't know where i'll be stealing time to eat lunch. and if i'll have to fly to eng'g right after my first class. i don't know if i'll get to study for all three subjects and for tomorrow's meeting with the clients tonight since i just got home. i don't know if i'll have enough energy for my night class. i don't have everything planned. but i know He will sustain me.

off-balance

Sometimes, to do what's right, we have to be steady and give up the thing we want the most. Even our dreams.

~ Peter Parker, Spiderman 2

one thing about me that needs a lot of work is balance. in dancing, it involves everything from tucking in your stomach to not looking at your feet. in bouldering, it concerns momentum. but in real life, it requires discipline and discernment. priorities, responsibilities, relationships. all these need to be alloted time and energy. i need wisdom to be in equilibrium...

i just got the files for the project, the readings for philo 10, and the eee 9 book today. i'm leaving for the execore meeting after this post. and we're finalizing the requirements of the database project tomorrow. sigh.

yey!

after four malls since yesterday, i finally have jazz shoes! and they fit perfectly. ^_^

i praise God for granting me my dream pe (other than sports climbing): mothern jazz. i died after our second meeting, but i think my body had somehow adjusted to the activity since. and we started doing walks and all the fun stuff last time. joan and i are in the class together. we went hunting for jazz shoes from shang to megamall to robinsons galleria to robinsons metro east. i found a pair that fit and i was running late for the sunset service so i went ahead of her instead of accompanying her to sta lucia. the cool thing about our friendship is its authenticity. there's no pretense of willingness to always be there for each other. there are no expectations either. no overdependence. we just do what we can.

heaven

joan: duet namo ni doms.
janna: gisayaw namo ni doms.

=p

medyo mainit ako kanina.

mainit ka pa rin, magpagaling ka.

haaayyyyyy...

siomai

.
.



ang sarap noh?



tissue 'yan. =p

the missions exposure trip in a nutshell

the calling.

Then I heard the voice of the Lord, saying, "Whom shall I send, and who will go for Us?" Then I said, "Here am I. Send me!"

(Isaiah 6:8)

asking for permission.

on my first attempt more than a year ago, i was told, "next time." little did my parents know that they would keep their word. even though each time i tried to ask for their permission, they added a new condition, that didn't hinder me from going. on my nth attempt on the sunday after the deadline for confirmation, they said yes.

the preparation.

a month of meditation on experiencing joy in spite of trials. i was afraid that joy wouldn't be manifested in me given my emotional state at that time. i found it so difficult to pack, thinking that i couldn't possibly be of any use at the missions trip.

fears.

i was afraid of going out of my way to talk to strangers, even handing out tracts seemed like a scary job.

no fear nor shame.

I, even I, am He who comforts you
Who are you that you are afraid of man who dies
And of the son of man who is made like grass

(Isaiah 51:12)

If anyone is ashamed of me and my words in this adulterous and sinful generation, the Son of Man will be ashamed of him when he comes in his Father's glory with the holy angels.

(Mark 8:38)

I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes: first for the Jew, then for the Gentile.

(Romans 1:16)

the harvest.

The LORD has bared His holy arm
In the sight of all the nations,
That all the ends of the earth may see
The salvation of our God...
For the LORD will go before you,
And the God of Israel will be your rear guard.

(Isaiah 52:10, 12)

i witnessed how the Lord worked in preparing the missions team, the hearts of the people, and the place. lucban was so ripe for the gospel and i had the honor of being called to harvest.

Moment Made For Worshipping

Steven Curtis Chapman

6:30 Monday morning
I'm here hiding in my bed
A song plays on my alarm clock
As I cover up my head
And somewhere in the distance
I remember yesterday
Singing "Hallelujah"
Full of wonder, awe and grace
But now I'm just wondering
Why I don't feel anything
At all

This is a moment made for worshipping
Cause this is a moment I'm alive
And this is a moment I was made to sing
A song of living sacrifice
For every moment that I live and breathe
This is a moment made for worshipping

...

When I'm feeling loved and happy
When I'm feeling all alone
When I'm failing to remember
All the love that I've been shown
Every single beat of my heart
Is another new place to start
To know

This is a moment made for worshipping
Cause this is a moment I'm alive
And this is a moment I was made to sing
A song of living sacrifice
For every moment that I live and breathe
This is a moment made for worshipping

Every single beat of my heart
Is another new place to start
Right now

This is a moment made for worshipping
Cause this is a moment I'm alive
And this is a moment I was made to sing
A song of living sacrifice
For every moment that I live and breathe
This is a moment made for worshipping

From the rising of the sun
To the setting the sun
The name of the Lord is worthy to be praised

this song is largely responsible for my waking up early and turning into a morning person. i was such a sleepyhead before and i usually heard it playing upon waking up last semester. it struck me that i wasn't a very good steward of time. i hope the change helps in that area. after all, He is worthy of every second that passes and so much more. and i find rest and strength in Him.

wind talk

don't look down when you're walking... i don't want to picture you like that.

it sounds so sweet. me thinks he really loves you. ^_^

compensation

Search[ing] compensates for lack of knowledge.
Knowledge compensates for lack of search[ing].

[from 5 LAWS OF INTELLIGENT ACTION]

morning person

i'm up 'til morning
and i actually wake up in the morning.
so when do i sleep?
whenever i can.

could you please be supportive?

just this once?

no more writer's block

but no missions updates either... you'll have to wait 'til next week or so. we'll be leaving for the dcf camp tonight and i'll start working on monday.

double meaning

buwan.

unspoken

when my lips fall silent,
my eyes speak.

my emergency kit

• inhaler
• m&m's
• prayer

change isn't

change isn't the only constant thing in life.

God is.

someone like me

if i move

like i'm dancing,

then you laugh

like you're singing.

now what?

it's over! well, almost... i'm done preenlisting. i finally had the guts to approach our department chairman today. he enlisted me in cs 280 (information systems) but he still has to check if it's allowed as a substitute for cs 155 (compiler construction). i'll find out by the end of the week...

i accepted the job offer to be a research engineer. i know at least two people who are also working on the project. what influenced my decision was my friend's sudden appearance at the airport with the book i need: access 2000 for dummies. i think it's God's providence. i read through it while waiting in line at the cashier's office. at the time i was thinking that learning a new programming language would be a plus in my resume even if i didn't accept the job offer. now that i did, i'm actually excited. i prefer databases over the rest of the stuff we have to program and this will enhance whatever skill i probably possess. i don't know how the juggling act will go with my acad load and the leadership and everything. but i found comfort in something my mentor sent me a long time ago...

we know nothing of the future but this: the Lord God is there.

pierced

the previous semester was a really scary journey. i got pulled out of my comfort zone. and i had no idea what to do. i remember sobbing about feeling unloved and being incapable of loving. and the Lord answered me. then others came into my life and met my needs. they weren't people i just met. but they used to be just names and faces. all that changed. and changed me in the process.

love is a powerful weapon, it pierces the strongest armor of apathy.

that's my definition of love. it sounds like warfare. it is. the battle between grace and pride. does that line sound familiar? it's from worlds apart by jars of clay. but pride isn't my only problem. numbness also is. sometimes. but their steadfast love i experienced penetrated the core of my being. i can only imagine the difficulty of having to scale the walls of a fortress instead of merely crossing a bridge. i hope they found the effort worthwhile. because i know the bridges that were built will withstand the test of time.

if's

i need to look for a subject that can be a substitute for cs 155 if i want to graduate next semester and if the department allows it. and if so, it might be one of those 6-9pm masteral subjects.

then there's the job offer, which i may or may not be qualified for and which i may or may not accept.

kids, are you ready to take over?

or is this going to be a battle between duty and dreams?

decisions decisions...

let's hope i don't do something stupid.

shucks...

i have a new job offer. it involves database programming in access/VB and mysql. i have to decide in the next few hours. if i take this job and i get accepted, the next three months will be a race against time. it will rob me of the time to think about other things. i'll have to learn at access or VB and master mysql in the next few days.

what am i getting myself into?

writer's block

the missions updates will have to be posted next week. i'm having trouble writing...

i'm home!

mission updates to follow...

more and more

..she knows how to demand, smearing sugar over her megalomaniac commands...

that's from junei's testimonial about me.

i met my match tonight.

i was cutting paperdolls for the tlw seminar when she arrived. she was nice when she asked me to make some for her. but she turned into a monster after i made the first batch. she wanted more and and more and it seemed like she would never be satisfied. the paperdolls even went through her quality check. she returned those that didn't pass her standards for revision. when i finally declined to make more, she asked me to make one last batch and i gave in.

junei says i'm like that. i use my "big beautiful eyes."

i finally understand why some people want to strangle me sometimes. i don't even do it on purpose. it takes no effort at all.

but i have mellowed down somewhat. i am not a slave to my nature because i have Christ. and i am changing to be more and more like Him and less and less like the four-year old brat.

i can say that the encounter taught me to really appreciate those who reached the pinnacle of their patience because of me. ^_^

all apologies.

tick tock!

time is ticking.

make it stand still,

make it stop!

two days early

i shall never forget that visit to the dentist in my beach outfit.

i'm glad i met you that summer afternoon.

if not for that, i wouldn't have been in dcbc.

i remember staying up with you on one stormy night at the sundeck of a ferry.

we talked all night over tea then coffee while waiting for a sunrise we never had a chance to see because the sky was too cloudy.

i went through life as if following in your footsteps.

you helped me understand myself.

to my mentor,

happy birthday!

as you already know, i'll be away from cyberspace for a week or so.

questions that they want to ask me...

• What are your plans after graduation?

magdisappear. joke. ok, half-meant... mag-aral ng culinary arts someday. beyond that, who knows?

• Why are you so strong? Why do you seem so mature?
  

the Lord is my strength. mature? the operational word is seem.

• Violet ba fave mong kulay?
  

di po. blue. color-coordinating freak lang ako. hehe.

• Ba't ang tahimik mo lagi?
  

i'm usually content with silence and just observing people. i need to be asked for me to open up.

• What if God called you to full-time work in the ministry?
  

trust and obey. di pa naman eh.

• Sinong gusto mong makasama habambuhay?

sikretong malupit. yung nasa panaginip ko.

• If you were to draw something for me, what would it be?
  

hindi si cloud strife kasi masakit. si aslan na lang. alam ko na yata yung isang tanong na sinagot ko na...

we held our sem ender for mcm tonight. it was surreal. i found myself trying to capture every detail. the questions were only part of our team-building activity. this is my last semester to have an ate and a kuya in the fellowship. and i will look back with smiles and tears.

kuya arvin was the reason i joined kalcf (and dcf). he has been an encouragement since my freshman years. the verses and pats on the back from him have always been helpful. he's one of those people who actually believed in me even when i didn't. i'll feel like an orphan without him.

junei and hannah were my first real friends in molave. we were practically roommates. we were inseparable for a time. we experienced things in the extreme. laughter, walkouts, tears. our porcupine moments abound.

i wrote this in my journal when junei left the core at the start of the sem...

if there are two things that the molave christian movement had taught me, these are: what it feels like to get left behind and God's faithfulness. sometimes they forget you when you're supposed to go to a camp, a party, or some other event together. at other times, they either graduate or God calls them to another ministry and you somehow feel abandoned. but then you remember the One who'll never leave you nor forsake you. and you find comfort in Psalm 55:22, which reads:

Cast your burden upon the Lord and He will sustain you;
He will never allow the righteous to be shaken.

i am about to experience the reality of the loneliness of leadership.

i'm okay now.

t'was but temporary insanity.

evaporate

i want to walk away
from everything and everyone
but i'm not quite done here
and i don't have anyone or anywhere to run to
i'd wish i were like you
were it courage and not cowardice
to be another escapist

differences

In computability theory, the Church-Turing thesis implies that all reasonable models of computation are equivalent, that is, they all decide the same class of languages. In complexity theory, the choice of model affects the time complexity of languages. Languages that are decidable in, say, linear time aren't necessarily decidable in linear time on another.

~ Sipser

time complexity

f(n) <= c g(n)

Intuitively, f(n) = O(g(n)) means that f is less than or equal to g if we disregard difference up to a constant factor. You may think of O as representing a suppressed constant...

~ Sipser

If we let c be 3 and n be 1, f(n) = O(n).

If we let c be 1 and n be 85, disregarding the coefficient still gives a function in linear time.

It's a matter of definition.

things to do

1. study for 133 exam on thursday
2. remind mcm core of division of work
3. collect payment for the shirts
   
4. buy boxes, m&amp;m's, medicine, ...
5. leave aj with my sister by friday
   
6. pack
7. breathe
   

*** besides the everyday stuff

peace

at last.

Romans 12:15

Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep.

i had a surprise visit from one of my roommies in the past yesterday. i woke up when she paged, but i hesitated in responding. i had to check my phone, which had been moody and silent since i dropped it days ago, before i figured out who it was. i texted her and took a record-breaking shower and all. then we had lunch at the shopping center. and i heard the details of her father's death and of her coming home to her grieving family. she shared her memories and her regrets. i couldn't find the words because i never experienced losing someone close to me in that way. all i did was listen. and when i couldn't hold the tears back much longer, i let them flow. her father was so proud of her graduating from up and becoming a mechanical engineer. the first one is also my dad's dream and i am scared of disappointing him once again if i get delayed by yet another sem. my department is still not offering one of the subjects i still need to take next semester. when will i ever get to share the gospel with him without my academic failures getting in the way?

i realized that my grief is so shallow as compared to those with loved ones who departed. i'm thankful with how the Lord has opened my eyes to see beyond myself. and even enabled me to minister to others. and reminded me of the urgency and importance of sharing His Word.

by the way, her father's last words were "Lord, forgive me."

Psalm 23

The LORD is my shepherd,
I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside quiet waters.
He restores my soul;
He guides me in the paths of righteousness
For His name's sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I fear no evil, for You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You have anointed my head with oil;
My cup overflows.
Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life,
And I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.

let that be enough

Switchfoot

I wish I had what I needed

To be on my own
'Cause I feel so defeated
And I'm feeling alone

And it all seems so helpless
And I have no plans
I'm a plane in the sunset
With nowhere to land

And all I see
It could never make me happy
And all my sand castles
Spend their time collapsing

Let me know that You hear me
Let me know Your touch
Let me know that You love me
Let that be enough

...

And I feel stuck
Watching history repeating
Yeah, who am I?
Just a kid who knows [she]'s needy

Let me know that You hear me
Let me know Your touch
Let me know that You love me
And let that be enough

Hebrews 12:11

All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness.

landslide

Dixie Chicks

I took my love and I took it down
I climbed a mountain and I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow-covered hills
Well, the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love
Can the child within my heart rise above
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life

Well, I've been afraid of changing
'Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes bolder
Children get older
And I'm getting older too
Well

Well, I've been afraid of changing
'Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes bolder
Children get older
And I'm getting older too

Well, I'm getting older too

So take this love and take it down
Yeah, and if you climb a mountain and you turn around
And if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills
Well, the landslide brought it down

And if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills
Well maybe...
Well maybe...
Well maybe...
The landslide'll bring you down

pee bday, kuya ry!

frog prince

you can't find out if a frog is actually a prince by dissecting it...

finding the words

Do not believe that he who seeks to comfort you lives untroubled among the simple and quiet words that sometimes do you good. His life has much difficulty and sadness... Were it otherwise, he would never have been able to find those words.

~ Rainer Maria Rilke

sometimes we go through trouble that we may one day minister to someone who is going through similar circumstances. at other times, we are the ones on the receiving end. i'm thankful for the people with the right words, the hugs, the fierce loyalty and protectiveness, the cup of milk, and the time for ice cream. i never knew i could use up two handipacks of tissue with ten extra sheets each in just a couple of days. i hope i'll never have to again. i am amazed with how the Lord works in each one's life and with how He has changed mine. brokenness is painful. but i did ask for it even though i knew it would be because i also knew He would sustain me through it all. i learned more than i ever expected to. one day i'll be the one doing the teaching. and i'll realize it was worth every drop of tear...

Psalm 42:5-6

Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God...

last words

Your Famous Last Words Will Be:

"Goodbye. I am leaving because I am bored."

What Will Your Famous Last Words Be?

melancholy

the sadness and the madness.

melancholy

the sadness and the madness.

tired

tired of thinking
tired of weeping
tired of sleeping
tired of eating
tired of living

but this will pass. soon. i hope.

personality

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion: You have low extroversion. You are quiet and reserved in most social situations. A low key, laid back lifestyle is important to you. You tend to bond slowly, over time, with one or two people. Conscientiousness: You have high conscientiousness. Intelligent and reliable, you tend to succeed in life. Most things in your life are organized and planned well. But you borderline on being a total perfectionist. Agreeableness: You have medium agreeableness. You're generally a friendly and trusting person. But you also have a healthy dose of cynicism. You get along well with others, as long as they play fair. Neuroticism: You have high neuroticism. It's easy for you to feel shaken, worried, or depressed. You often worry, and your worries prevent you from living life fully. You tend to be emotionally reactive and moody. Your either flying very high or feeling very low. Openness to experience: Your openness to new experiences is high. In life, you tend to be an early adopter of all new things and ideas. You'll try almost anything interesting, and you're constantly pushing your own limits. A great connoisseir of art and beauty, you can find the positive side of almost anything.

The Five Factor Personality Test

vulnerability

Submission is not only a love word, it is also a relationship word. Our strengths do not help others unless others are willing to let us help them. Submission is in the "letting."

Without trust, we cannot practice submission. We can practice compliance or some caricature of submission, but not submission. A lack of submission is evidence of a lack of humility...

Vulnerability is the link between humility and submission. Vulnerability results from intentionally placing yourself under someone's influence. Vulnerability is your choice to let others know you, to have access to your life, to teach and to influence you--to not just see the cracks but to fill them. Vulnerability means you give someone the right to know the pain of your weaknesses and to care for the need of your weaknesses.

In relationships, vulnerability does not equate to transparency. Transparency has some value, but it is limited to disclosing yourself (perhaps selectively) to others, or perhaps, simply being others around enough so that you are aware of your strengths and foibles. Submission requires you to move beyond transparency to vulnerability. Vulnerability means giving someone the opportunity to do something about those strengths and foibles...

Vulnerability also triggers a two-way relational effect. First, people gain access to your life, as you submit to their influence. Second, you are given access to their lives as they trust you and see your life open to them. You know what this kind of relationship is called? Authentic.

To move beyond transparency to vulnerability, you must know how to give and receive permission.

Trust does not lead to vulnerability as much as vulnerability leads to trust.

[from Building a High-Trust Culture]

quoting josh again

Deepening intimacy without defining a level of commitment is dangerous. It's like going mountain climbing with a partner who isn't sure she wants the responsibility of holding your rope...

What we fail to see is that the intimacy we experience in our string of emotional hook-ups is counterfeit. Romantic passion is sweetest when it's growing out of a relationship that's deepening in devotion.

The joy of intimacy is the reward of commitment...

Proverbs 3:3 states, "Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart." God wants love and faithfulness to be connected. In His plan, the personal benefits of an intimate relationship--emotional or sexual--are always closely linked to self-sacrificial love and commitment to a person's long-term good.

The way of sin is to divorce the two... This is how sin works. It calls us to "enjoy ourselves with love" without worrying about the good of others. It offers intimacy without obligation.

Pursuing intimacy without commitment awakens desires--emotional and physical--that neither person can justly meet. In 1 Thessalonians 4:6(KJV) the Bible calls this "defrauding," ripping someone off by raising expectations but not delivering on the promise...

This is the reason I stopped dating. Not because I don't want to get married. Not because I don't enjoy romance. But because I realized that I need to wait on romance until I can match my pursuit of intimacy with a pursuit of commtiment.

It doesn't mean I have no relationships with the opposite sex or no intimacy, but rather appropriate relationships and approriate intimacy...

But how close can we get before the relationship has to be redefined? How far can we go as friends before our hearts kick into gear?

...The issue is whether the intimacy in your relationship is appropriate to your current level of commitment.

[from I Kissed Dating GOODBYE by Joshua Harris]

quoting josh

What did it mean to genuinely care about the girls I knew?

...I've come to understand that God's lordship in my life doesn't merely tinker with my approach to romance--it completely transforms it. God not only wants me to act differently; He wants me to think differently--to view love, purity, and singleness from His perspective, to have a new lifestyle and a new attitude...

Every relationship for a Christian is an opportunity to love another person like God has loved us. To lay down our desires and to do what's in his or her best interest. To care for him or her even when there's nothing in it for us. To want that person's purity and holiness because it pleases God and protects him or her...

I've come to realize that while friendships with the opposite sex are great, I have no business asking for a girl's heart and exclusive affections if I'm not ready to consider marriage. Until I can do that, I'd only be using the girl to meet my short-term needs, not seeking to bless her for the long term...

As I've sought God's will for my life, I've discovered that a relationship wouldn't be best for me or the one I'd date right now. Instead, by avoiding romantic, one-on-one relationships before God tells me I'm ready, I can better serve girls as a friend, and I can remain free to keep my focus on the Lord...

True love isn't just expressed in passionately whispered words or an intimate kiss or an embrace; before two people are married, love is expressed in self-control, patience, even words unsaid...

When I stopped seeing girls as potential girlfriends and started treating them as sisters in Christ, I discovered the richness of true friendship...

I believe the time has come for Christians, male and female, to own up to the mess we've left behind in our selfish pursuit of short-term romance. What excuse will we have when God asks us to account our actions and attitudes in relationships? If God sees a sparrow fall (Matthew 10:29), do you think He could overlook the broken hearts and hurt we caused in relationships based on selfishness?

[from I Kissed Dating Goodbye by Joshua Harris]

unintended

The greatest harm can result from the best intentions.

~ Nathan Rahl

problems

Why should you study unsolvability? After all, showing that a problem is unsolvable doesn't appear to be of any use if you have to solve it. You need to study the phenomenon for two reasons. First, knowing when a problem is algorithmically unsolvable is useful because then you realize that the problem must be simplified or altered. before you can find an algorithmic solution... The second reason is cultural. Even if you deal with problems that clearly are solvable, the glimpse of the unsolvable can stimulate your imagination and help you gain an important perspective...

~ Sipser


Think of the solution, not the problem.

~ Richard Rahl


look to Jesus!

brats

Words are like children -- the more care you lavish on them, the more they demand.

[from the movie Luther]

shallow

the trees that did not withstand the storm were the same ones with roots that were shallow.

we are like trees. unless we are deeply rooted in His Word, we will not survive the storms of our lives.

paradox

i'm unique. just like everyone else.

the land of tears

a place i hate visiting. but i probably belong there.

Worlds Apart

I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all adds up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but love
to give and die

To turn away and not become
Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves
more deeply than the oceans,
more abundant than the tear
Of a world embracing every heartache

Can I be the one to sacrifice
Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow

To love You - take my world apart
To need You - I am on my knees
To love You - take my world apart
To need You - broken on my knees

All said and done I stand alone
Amongst remains of a life I should not own
It takes all I am to believe
In the mercy that covers me

Did You really have to die for me?
All I am for all You are
Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart

I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
More and more I need You now,
I owe You more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it Yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can't deny
watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
so steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
take my world apart

[Jars of Clay]

my room b4

1 Corinthians 13

1If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Eun-joo

There are three things a person cannot hide: coughing, poverty and love. The more one tries to hide them, the more they rise to the surface.

Love is a self-inflicted pain.

Love torments us not because it goes away, but because it goes on.


[from Il Mare]

sassiness

sorry isn't in my vocabulary. if you want to hear me say sorry, change your name to sorry...

i think that's the girl in windstruck's line.

perhaps

it's not so bad to be tamed
if it means someone cares for you.

a fairy tale

We never talked about it
'cause you never even cared
And what you really wanted
I never even had

'cause what may seem right
And what may be wrong
Seems out of sight
In this place we belong
Giving everything

Giving everything for love
I'm finding out that it's not enough
There's nothing left between you and i
I'm finding faith but losing us

When worlds collide

Together we seemed perfect
A fairy tale for show
And looking on the outside
You'd never even know

That we're just not right
When compromises is wrong
Seems out of sight
In this place we belong
Giving everything

Giving everything for love
I'm finding out that it's not enough
There's nothing left between you and i
I'm finding faith but losing us

When worlds collide

[Plumb]

inherently ambiguous

like the grammar of this blog.

and my graduation date. with cs 155 not being among the subjects offered online for next semester's preenlistment, i might have to wait for the first semester of the next academic year...

demanding!

Speak - say the words that no one else will ever say
Love - love like the world we know is over in a day

I'm gonna show you love in every language
I'm gonna speak with words that need no form
I'm gonna give you what you never had before

You're beautiful and I am weakened by the force of your eyes
So shine bright to separate the truth from the lies
I'm gonna show you love

I'm gonna show you love in every language
I'm gonna speak with words that need no form
I'm gonna give you what you never had before

So tie me to a tree and let the smoke and ash collect
No, I won't regret to let love do what love will let
We can drown in mixed emotions or walk across an angry sea
This is the cost of being free

I'm gonna show you love in every language
I'm gonna speak with words that need no form
I'm gonna give you what you never had before

[Jars of Clay]

gusto ko love in every language... ^_^

control your power

or it will control you.

that (or something to that effect) was what professor xavier taught the x-men.

i had always been able to relate with jean grey especially during the phoenix episodes... i had been in my zen mode for seven days. but i lost control over my moods again a few hours ago. i can't exactly explain the cause. let's just say it takes strength to restrain power and i was too tired...

{proof}

caffeine induces sleep.

the choice

i dreamt the other night of serving coffee
but all the china cups were broken
then of a surprise visit from you
and using a foreign toothbrush
which i bought last night.

i was made to choose between
staying with you and going to class
that was my last thought
before waking up
and my first
was i'm special
to someone else.

beautiful day

Your Theme Song is Beautiful Day by U2

"Sky falls, you feel like It's a beautiful day Don't let it get away" You see the beauty in life, especially in ordinary everyday moments. And if you're feeling down, even that seems a little beautiful too.

What's Your Theme Song?

The heart is a bloom,
Shoots up through the stony ground
But there's no room,
No space to rent in this town

You're out of luck
And the reason that you had to care,
The traffic is stuck
And you're not moving anywhere.

You thought you'd found a friend
To take you out of this place
Someone you can lend a hand
In return for grace
It's a beautiful day
The sky falls
And you feel like it's a beautiful day
Don't let it get away

You're on the road
But you've got no destination
You're in the mud
In the maze of her imagination

You love this town
Even if it doesn't ring true
You've been all over
And it's been all over you

It's a beautiful day
Don't let it get away
It's a beautiful day

Touch me, Take me to that other place
Teach me, I know I'm not a hopeless case

See the world in green and blue
See China right in front of you
See the canyons broken by cloud
See the tuna fleets clearing the sea out
See the bedouin fires at night
See the oil fields at first light, and
See the bird with the leaf in her mouth
After the flood, all the colors came out

It was a beautiful day
Don't let it get away
Beautiful day

Touch me, take me to that other place
Reach me, I know I'm not a hopeless case

What you don't have you don't need it now
What you don't know you can feel it somehow
What you don't have you don't need it now
Don't need it now
Was a beautiful day.

lightning

You Are Lightning

Beautiful yet dangerous People will stop and watch you when you appear Even though you're capable of random violence You are best known for: your power Your dominant state: performing

What Type of Weather Are You?

something beautiful

If you put your arms around me,
Could it change the way I feel?
I guess I let myself believe
That the outside might just bleed its way in
Maybe stir the sleeping past
Lying under glass
Waiting for the kiss
That breaks this awful spell
Pull me out... of this lonely cell

Close my eyes and hold my heart
Cover me and make me something
Change this something normal
Into something beautiful

What I get from my reflection
Isn't what I thought I'd see.
so, give me reason to believe
You'd never keep me incomplete
Will you untie this loss of mine?
It easily defines me,
Do you see it on my face?
And that all I can think about is how long
I've been waiting to feel you move me.

Close my eyes and hold my heart
Cover me and make me something
Change this something normal
Into something beautiful
Into something beautiful
Into something beautiful

And I'm still fighting for the word
To break these chains
And I still pray when I look in your eyes
You'd stare right back down
Into something beautiful

So close my eyes and hold my heart
Cover me and make me something
Change this something normal
Into something beautiful
Into something beautiful
Into something beautiful
Into something beautiful

[Jars of Clay]

frail

Convinced of my deception
I've always been a fool
I fear this love reaction
Just like you said I would

A rose could never lie
About the love it brings
And I could never promise
To be any of those things

If I was not so weak
If I was not so cold
If I was not so scared of being broken
Growing old
I would be...
I would be...
I would be...

Blessed are the shallow
Depth they'll never find
Seems to be some comfort
In rooms I try to hide

Exposed beyond the shadows
You take the cup from me
Your dirt removes my blindness
Your pain becomes my peace

If I was not so weak
If I was not so cold
If I was not so scared of being broken
Growing old
I would be...
I would be...
I would be...

...frail

[Jars of Clay]

unjustified

explaining things doesn't make them right. it only tries to make them clear.

unapologetic

Your Personality Cluster is Introverted Thinking

You are: Objective, honest, and credible Intellectually curious, with many diverse interests More inclined toward ideas than people Fiercely independent and unapologetically unconventional

What's Your Personality Cluster?

indigo

You Are Indigo

Of all the shades of blue, you are the most funky, unique, and independent. Expressing yourself and taking a leap of faith has always been easy for you.

What Color Blue Are You?

keys

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to obedience and warmth. In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved. You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change. You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please. Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

nicer the second time around

i walked home from what was supposed to be my last class today with my head in the clouds. i just came from receiving the results of my first exam in eee 8. my score was way beyond my expectations. i didn't understand the first problem and how i was supposed to solve it but i wrote down my solution and it was actually the right one. ^_^

what's so important about this subject?

it's my second take. i stopped going to class and i didn't take the third, final, and lab exams the first time. it was far from hopeless but i was broken and deeply disturbed then. and now i'm not. this seasonal course is also a prerequisite to another seasonal course. i was that crazy. and still am.

if i do well in this, it won't cost me another year. i am really looking forward to graduation even if i don't know what lies beyond. of the list entitled things to do before i graduate, i think i have accomplished five out of the eleven. ^_~

then there's the part wherein my gaining my parents' permission to go on a missions trip during the sem break depends on my acads. i was worried that if i failed an exam, i would never get to go. i am now inspired instead of pressured by the challenge they posed.

i praise the Lord for equipping me with everything i needed then and now. and for luther and chuckie who helped out with the first problem set. and for junei, jacq, kuya butch, and benj for including me in their prayers. and everyone else whom i failed to acknowledge.

this blog isn't so dark, see?

grown-ups

Grown-ups never understand anything by themselves, and it is tiresome for children to be always and forever explaining things to them.

In the course of this life I have had a great many encounters with a great many people who have been concerned with matters of consequence. I have lived a great deal among grown-ups. I have seen them intimately, close at hand. And that hasn't much improved my opinion of them.

[from The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint Exupéry]

Someone stubborn

i need someone stubborn enough to love stubborn me. i'm glad Someone already does. ;)

moving on

it's taking away the bitterness
from the bittersweet
and pretending it's the same coffee,
the same drink,
yet knowing that it's not.

it's trading in the sleepless nights
for the sweetest dreams.

it's hiding away what was
and enjoying what is.

What is an algorithm?

• a recipe
• a procedure
• a computer program
• Who cares? I know it when I see it.

[from ma'am becca's slides]

tumbling! moments

(q&amp;a time after the message on assurance of salvation)
me: may tanong pa kayo?
kid: ate, nagkaboyfriend na kayo?

(on marriage)
me: gusto ko ng separate bedroom.
my shepherd: hello! kelangan niya asawa, hindi housemate!

rain showers

thank You for the healing rain
i feel alive again.

dizzy

a bee
stuck in a laboratory
just like me
it flies around
and my eyes follow
as it goes in circles

taong labas,

nakasara man ang pinto,
hindi ito nangangahulugang
hindi ka na maaaring pumasok
at makasama ang pamilyang iniwan mo.
patawad sa pagkukulang namin
ng pagmamahal.
nakakalungkot
ang iyong paglaho
at masaya akong ika'y narito
ngunit hindi sa bawat saglit
ko kakayaning magpanggap na
limot ko na ang kahapong di na mauulit.

lips like sugar

my smile is as sweet
as my name on your lips.

how i wish i uttered yours...

shell

You can’t love anyone or anything until you love your own existence, first. Love can only grow out of a respect for your own life. When you love yourself, your own existence, then you love someone who can enhance your existence, share it with you, and make it more pleasurable. When you hate yourself and believe your existence is evil, then you can only hate, you can only experience the shell of love, the longing for something good, but you have nothing to base it in but hatred. You taint the very concept of love… with your corrupted longing for it…

To truly love someone… you must revel in their existence because they make life all the more wonderful. If you think existence is corrupt, then you are sealed off from the fruition of such a relationship, from what love really is.

~ Jennsen Rahl, Pillars of Creation by Terry Goodkind

(greater) good

Those who want to impose the idea of a greater good are simply haters of the good.

~ Richard Rahl, Chainfire by Terry Goodkind

p &amp; q

let p = right time
q = right person

p -> q
q' -> p'

dancing

Pierre Dulaine: Do you love to dance?
Caitlin: Yeah
Pierre Dulaine: Then you're meant to dance.

[from Take the Lead]

does that work for my course?

dispersion aura

against the flow
and into a crowd
like the red sea
they parted for me
effortless feat

falling leaf

(ee cummings)


l(a

le
af
fa

ll

s)
one
l

iness

somewhere i have never travelled

(ee cummings)

somewhere i have never travelled,gladly beyond
any experience,your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near

your slightest look easily will unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skilfully,mysteriously) her first rose

or if your wish be to close me,i and
my life will shut very beautifully, suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;

nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility: whose texture
compels me with the color of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing

(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens; only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody,not even the rain, has such small hands

if i love You

(ee cummings)

if i love You
(thickness means
worlds inhabited by roamingly
stern bright faeries

if you love
me) distance is mind carefully
luminous with innumerable gnomes
Of complete dream

if we love each (shyly)
other, what clouds do or Silently
Flowers resembles beauty
less than our breathing

bloodied hands

we clashed swords of demands
and hurled hurtful words
too stubborn to back down,
we fought 'til all was lost
in this battlefield of
opposing wills
but then you fell
and i cried.

You've Got to Hide Your Love Away

Here I stand head in hand
Turn my face to the wall
If she's gone I can't go on
Feelin' two-foot small

Everywhere people stare
Each and every day
I can see them laugh at me
And I hear them say

Hey you've got to hide your love away
Hey you've got to hide your love away

How can I even try
I can never win
Hearing them, seeing them
In the state I'm in

How could she say to me
Love will find a way
Gather round all you clowns
Let me hear you say

Hey you've got to hide your love away
Hey you've got to hide your love away

[The Beatles]

submission

Submission is a love word.

It means I choose to let you love me.
(The letting part is submission.)

[from Building a High Trust Culture]

tough.

affirmation and acceptance

James Blunt: You're beautiful!
me: Thank you!

demigod?

1. can lead me spiritually and in our relationship (non-negotiable)
2. faithful (also non-negotiable)
3. gifted
4. a sheep and a shepherd
5. intellectually equal or superior

*** for revision in case the above mentioned is still not human...

i lost myself.

all the more reason to attend the discovery meeting and find what you seek.

eyes shut

if i close my eyes
will it hide the pain
that resonates within
and emanates
from every fiber
of my being?

I Walk the Line

I keep a close watch on this heart of mine
I keep my eyes wide open all the time.
I keep the ends out for the tie that binds
Because you're mine, I walk the line

I find it very, very easy to be true
I find myself alone when each day is through
Yes, I'll admit that I'm a fool for you
Because you're mine, I walk the line

As sure as night is dark and day is light
I keep you on my mind both day and night
And happiness I've known proves that it's right
Because you're mine, I walk the line

You've got a way to keep me on your side
You give me cause for love that I can't hide
For you I know I'd even try to turn the tide
Because you're mine, I walk the line

I keep a close watch on this heart of mine
I keep my eyes wide open all the time.
I keep the ends out for the tie that binds
Because you're mine, I walk the line

[Live]

praises

i prayed that i may have friends in my classes and the Lord faithfully answered. i praise Him for joan, benj, karl, jen, gevieve, and jonathan. the last one is a new friend, not the old one. i finally have someone to have lunch with on tuesdays and fridays. yey!

boolean

I cannot love nor write.

~ Shakespeare, Shakespeare in Love

I Walk the Line

I keep a close watch on this heart of mine
I keep my eyes wide open all the time.
I keep the ends out for the tie that binds
Because you're mine, I walk the line

I find it very, very easy to be true
I find myself alone when each day is through
Yes, I'll admit that I'm a fool for you
Because you're mine, I walk the line

As sure as night is dark and day is light
I keep you on my mind both day and night
And happiness I've known proves that it's right
Because you're mine, I walk the line

You've got a way to keep me on your side
You give me cause for love that I can't hide
For you I know I'd even try to turn the tide
Because you're mine, I walk the line

I keep a close watch on this heart of mine
I keep my eyes wide open all the time.
I keep the ends out for the tie that binds
Because you're mine, I walk the line

[Live]

boolean

I cannot love nor write.

~ Shakespeare, Shakespeare in Love

wednesday's lecture

Love is a many-splendored thing, or so they say. Many stories present such entangled love relations that it sickens anyone who tries to understand it. If one would study such entanglings (though one couldn't think of a reason why one would want to), a person can be in any of the 7 possible states (assuming omniscience of all concerned):

1. Happy: if A loves B and only B, and B loves A and only A, then both A and B are happy.
2. Loveless: if A loves no one, then A is loveless.
3. Martyr: if A loves B and only B, and B loves A and one or more others, then A is a martyr.
4. Philanderer: if A loves B and is loved back by B, and A also loves one or more others, then A is a philanderer.
5. Broken-hearted: if A loves B, and B is happy, or a philanderer, or a martyr or a narcissist, then A is broken-hearted.
6. Hoping: if A loves B, and B is not loved back by the others B loves, and B does not love A, then A is hoping.
7. Narcissist: if A loves oneself, then A is a narcissist.

Precedence is decreasing from top to bottom. This means that a person cannot be in more than one state.

[2628 - Romeo and Juliet Go to the Creek Beside Melrose]

what do these have in common?

they're stacks.

assume nothing.

not assume that there is nothing.
but make no assumptions whatsoever.

crushable...

disposable!

blindness

Isaiah 43:18-19 (New American Standard Bible)

Do not call to mind the former things,
Or ponder things of the past.
"Behold, I will do something new,
Now it will spring forth;
Will you not be aware of it?
I will even make a roadway in the wilderness,
Rivers in the desert.

like that

Since this book is neither esoteric nor technical, and since it is written in the language of worship with no pretension to elegant literary style, perhaps some persons may be drawn to read it.

~ A. W. Tozer, The Knowledge of the Holy

i'd like to learn to write like that...

distant spring

i didn't think people would notice last night
didn't realize my smile was way too wide
i heard your voice and i knew
this winter would come to an end

how long?

how long will she wait for you?
how long will she [pray] for you?

~ coldplay, in my place

junei: game!

Winter Light

It's always in the back of your mind
When everything is dark, still something shines
One chilly afternoon, you drew the blind

The earth was frozen
Ice upon the water
All at once you saw her
There in the Winter Light

Then the light came bouncin' up, from stony ground
And deep within the earth you heard the sound
Breakin' like a rock you grew profound

The earth was frozen
Ice upon the water
All at once you saw her
There in the Winter Light
There in the Winter Light
There in the Winter Light
Making everything look beautiful

Light, a child with his own fantasmagoria
Light that spills from billions of excited atoms
Light that lingers in a quiet room
Reveal for me shine for me
There in the Winter Light
Shine for me, reveal for me
There in the Winter Light
There in the Winter Light

[Tim Finn}

distant spring

i didn't think people would notice last night
didn't realize my smile was way too wide
i heard your voice and i knew
this winter would come to an end

dominic

kamatngon ko nga sa imo gihapon ko mudagan kung kinahanglan naku magpahungaw...

innovate

picklocks and paperclips
a story so challenging
it inspired me
to unclog
one roommie's
mechanical pencil

love life!

i am teary-eyed
but not with grief
it's been so long since
i last served in this way
not witholding anything
but offering everything
for His glory
contagious with passion
infectious with joy
pardon the words
but i can't help it
experiencing the reality
of His perfect love
casts away anxiety and fear
and empowers me to move
exhausted, i come
to Him for strength
even temper is now in check
as i try to communicate
a love of life and
a life of love.

pretend

the cover of darkness
failed to hide me from your sight
our eyes locked
as we both waited for the other
to make the first move
i was tired of caring whether
we pretended to be friends
or to be strangers this time
and was too stubborn to find out
you waved so i waved back
and faked a smile
then went on my way
thankful for each step
that no longer lead to you.

unlovely

if i feel unloved
and unlovely
you need only to
read to me
psalm one hundred
and three
because His love
overwhelms me

bottled tears

i watched as
my bottled emotions
spilled in the form
of tears
each drop of which
You keep

pockets

my soul weeps
for something that will pass away
but i'd rather have it replaced
without having to demand it
from those "responsible"
were my pockets not close to empty
this day wouldn't be as dreary.

a time for everything

serving the Lord has its joys. but repeatedly ruined plans are not part of them. leadership has its cost. but this does not mean sacrificing your studies. rather, it requires excellence in your ministry primarily as a student (not as a Christian dormer). it doesn't serve you well to exhaust your energy worrying and complaining. remember to rest. it is vital for your sanity. do not attempt to do the impossible without the blessing of the God of the impossible. that would be suicide. do not get lost in activity that you forget Him. it doesn't glorify His name when you no longer acknowledge that it is the Lord's grace that enables. your strength will fail you. He never will. trust and obey. you are but an instrument in the advancement of His kingdom. you won't serve your purpose if your weariness prevents you from being of use. it's late, janna. get some sleep.

pierced heart

forgiveness and love
lessons hard-earned
after tantrums thrown
too many of which
sprung from this:
what about me?
but the cross tells me
i am a hypocrite
if i call Him Lord
and not do what He says
amazing love
pierced this heardened heart
and joy was made complete

inflexible

i had been tired
and stretched
beyond endurance
but for some weird reason
i'm still here

inflexible

i had been tired
and stretched
beyond endurance
but for some weird reason
i'm still here

limitless

we may know the limits of our strength, but not the limits of God's mercy.

assume nothing

...because you make an ass out of you and me.

and

play fair.

nice advice from kuya butch. maybe it all boils down to my being too immature to consider a relationship whether i like that someone or not. twice i hid behind dreams and responsibilities. i ran away from guys who showed interest in me. maybe i'll continue to repeat that mistake only to regret it when the one God prepared for me comes along. let's hope not. being rebuked once is enough.

coffee, tea, or juice?

coffee, tea, and juice.

picked-up lines

Your feelings do not absolve you or your very real deeds. Your actions, not your feelings, speak the truth of your intent.

Duty. The polite name put to the chains of servitude.

Generosity is fine, if it's by your free choice, but a belief in the primacy of self-sacrifice as a moral requisite is nothing less than the sanctioning of slavery.

Moral equivalence says that you are no better than they; therefore, their belief is just as morally valid as your view.

Moral compromise rejects the concept of right and wrong. It says that everyone is equal, all desires are equally valid, so everyone should compromise to get along.

In trade between willing parties who share moral values and who deal fairly and honestly with one another, compromise over something like price is legitimate. In matters of morality or truth, there can be no compromise.

Richard Rahl, Naked Empire by Terry Goodkind

rhyme

everyday comes with a reminder
i'll be leaving and will be away 'til december
a suitcase of lessons is what i'll pack
but memories will bring me back

farewell, my precious

i searched so long for you
your insights on humanity
from an immortal's perspective
had been my constant companion
in my sorrow

you taught me a lot
about this fallen world
while keeping loneliness
at bay

now my silence
cannot save you
from the torch
that is your fate
but i will hide you
if i could only learn
of your wherabouts
before it's too late

and if i fail,
this dull throbbing pain
will not cease
until i find you again.

*** my poor book, you were accused of being evil. they sentenced you to be burned like a witch on a stake for a crime you didn't make. poor thing.

yesterday

i skipped church yesterday. i was sick with fever. but i've been more worshipful than i've ever been since i got home for the summer. my siblings are playing the piano and i keep hearing Be Thine My Vision and Amazing Grace even though they didn't play either of two. yesterday was full of drama and i still can't fathom how i was able to keep my temper in check.

my lullaby

Somewhere Out There
written by James Horner, Barry Mann, Cynthia Weil

Somewhere out there beneath the pale moonlight
Someone's thinking of me and loving me tonight

Somewhere out there someone's saying a prayer
That we'll find one another in that big somewhere out there

And even though I know how very far apart we are
It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star

And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby
It helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky

Somewhere out there if love can see us through
Then we'll be together somewhere out there
Out where dreams come true

And even though I know how very far apart we are
It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star

And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby
It helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky

Somewhere out there if love can see us through
Then we'll be together somewhere out there
Out where dreams come true

untitled

this fallen world
'tis filled with despair
if not for grace
i'd bid it farewell.

Garnet

Garnet is considered to be very beautiful. She is well spoken and highly educated, as well as strong-willed, plucky, and stubborn. However, due to her sheltered upbringing, she is also shy and a bit naive. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Garnet_Til_Alexandros_XVII)

She goes by the alias Dagger.